Really? You have to do that NOW?

I spend a lot of time on websites reading information. I like to read all of your blogs but I also like the ridiculous sites like TMZ and eonline. I also visit the ones that I like to think expand my mind and thinking like msnbc and cnn. Tonight I came across an article on MSNBC that made me say, "WHAT?" out loud, even though no one was in the room.

A lady in Kettering Ohio was charged with child endangerment after another motorist saw her not only BREAST-FEEDING her child while she drove, but she was also talking on her cell phone. Police say the concern was that she had a child in her lap while driving, not that she was breast-feeding in public. The 39 year-old woman said she wouldn't let her child, who was under the age of two, go hungry.

Now, I never breast-fed my children. The whole process just creeps me out. I don't like to touch my own boobs, let alone let some baby suck on them, even if they came out of my vag. *shiver* I don't have a problem with other women who do it, or who even do it in public as long as they are discreet about it. I really don't. however I can't imagine it would be easy to talk on a cell phone and breast feed your child in the comforts of your own home, sitting on your couch while watching All My Children, let alone adding the whole steering, braking, turning an automobile to the mix.

And really? The phone call couldn't wait? There was NO WHERE for you to pull over and feed your baby? Were you so far away from your destination that the baby couldn't wait? Exactly how long had it been since you last fed the poor thing?

Police say the woman faces up to 180 days in jail and a $1,800 fine if convicted of the misdemeanor. Good luck with that.

The "F" word.

As posted by Bad Mommy here is one of the best videos ever. My favorite is at 1:58. Now go fuck yourself.

Brandy...not such a fine girl afterall...

On Tuesday night Adam and I had our downstairs neighbors over for dinner and then a board game after all the kids were safely tucked away in their beds. We did this last week (or was it the week before?) and it was a blast drinking and playing 'Life'.

Adam mixed up some "Sex on the beeotch" for neighbor wife and I while the hubbies drank some beers. We broke out the 'Life' game and then shots of SoCo. (a shot when you got married, a shot when you had a kid, someone made up the rule that you had to take a shot when you messed something up, which was easy for me to do since I was the banker. Let's see you not make any mistakes when you've graduated from college, gotten married, have three kids and keep track of everyone's paydays and raises!)

Anyway, when the SoCo ran out we replaced it with blackberry brandy. It never fails that when I've been drinking a lot, more shots and more drinks always seem like a really good idea. I started asking for shots when I didn't really need them and after the neighbors left Adam and I did more shots and had one of those "serious drunk talks" that ends with one or both of you crying about your past. Yeah. It was that kind of Tuesday night.

As we headed off to bed sometime after 1am I remembered that the next day was Spring Picture day at Emily's school. I was definitely going to have to get up with her to make sure her hair wasn't too funky looking. Great. I had bought her a shirt to wear for the pictures last weekend but I needed to find her jeans because I wasn't sure if these were going to be full length pictures or not. I crept into Em's room, the same room I had spent about three hours cleaning that day and subsequently dumped out her basket of clean clothes that I had yet to put away. Emily stirred a bit and in a classic "I'm really drunk but I'm going to try to have a serious conversation right now" kind of voice I told Emily that I was looking for jeans and did she know where any were. "no." she said sleepily. "I'm going to write you a note for the morning. You need to look for jeans when you get up in the morning." "kay." "I'll leave the note here, ok?" "kay." I haven't since looked at the note but I'm guessing it was pretty illegible. WTG mom!

Adam and I were in bed for probably not five minutes when it all hit me. All the shots, all the mixed drinks, all the laughing until my stomach hurt. I sat up and said, "I don't feel good."

"Go to the bathroom."
"My body feels like jell-o."
"Go to the bathroom. Please?"

BARF!

I spewed red yucky stuff everywhere next to the bed. Because he was so drunk too Adam must have thought it was a little funny because before I could spew again he was standing in front of me half laughing and saying, "Ooooo! All right!" I yakked again and he got me a trash can. When I was done he covered the red nastiness with two towels, said, "I'll clean that up in the morning." and made me go rinse with mouthwash. I laid back down and about 30 seconds later Adam said, "It's my turn." and he ran off to the bathroom and did his own thing, much more gracefully than I did.

We passed out and I woke up at 4:30am with the worst headache and cottonmouth. I staggered to the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water and downed 3 ibuprofen. I managed to wake up when Emily did at 7:15 and helped her get ready. Adam got up and took her to school instead of having her catch the bus so we would have a little more time to get ready for pictures. Each of us eventually took some sort of nap in the afternoon and I re hydrated all day with ice water. I have a large mug from work that holds 32 oz. and I drank 4 of them before dinner. We were hurting for most of the day.

Throughout the day I would notice things hurting, like my knee. That's when I remembered that after the neighbors left Adam and I had found a plastic hammer and we each proceeded to hop up on the kitchen table to check each other's reflexes. Hard.

Then I noticed my head was hurting in one spot like I had hit it. That's when I remembered when we took the same hammer and knocked each other on the heads. I remembered giving Adam a small welt on his forehead.

Later Blake leaned over on my arm to get a potato chip from me and my upper arm hurt. That's right, more abuse, lol. We were poking each other in the arm hard with a finger then punching the same spot with our fists. If you've never done this, you should do it to someone you love the next time you see them. Do it twice then squeeze their arms where you've been hitting it. It makes it hurt more. Re-reading all of this I'm thinking that maybe someone should take our wet bar away. And the plastic hammer.

Next game night I am going to try to be a much lighter weight drinker!

Yay! A Ter-get Gift Carrrd!

Exchanged my purple iPod for the blue today. I also picked up 2 three-disc music sets. One is a classic rock one and the other is an 80's #1 hits. Yay baby! Marconi plays the mamba. Listen to the radio. Don't you remember? We built this city on ROCK AND ROLLLLLLL! I'm so glad no one was home for the first couple of hours after I downloaded the new music to my iPod cuz I wuz ROCKIN!

Oh, and by the way, I named my iPod "Pod Almighty". LOL. Well, I'm off to karaoke. No, really. We're going to karaoke tonight.

V-Day

This Valentine's Day marked the 10 year anniversary of my engagement to Adam. Ten years ago yesterday, at midnight, Adam got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Our story goes like this...

My goddaughter was getting baptized on Valentine's Day here in the Quad Cities. At the time Adam and I lived an hour away. Adam had to work the night before V. Day but had the next day off, which come to think of it seems quite amazing because he cooked at Lonestar Steak House. Seems they would be pretty busy for V. Day, but what do I know. Anywho, Adam didn't have a license at that time so he usually took the bus to work and I picked him up at night. I think I picked him up somewhere around 11:30 or so that night and when we came home I was running around trying to get our stuff together because we were leaving that night to spend the night at my friend's house (mom to my goddaughter).

Adam was somewhat quiet but I didn't pay much mind to it. At midnight his alarm went off next to his bed. I remember saying out loud, "What the heck is that? Why is your alarm going off?" Adam went in the bedroom, turned it off and then sat me down on the side of the couch. He got down on one knee and everything he said is a total blur to me. I know he said something along the lines of, "I'm a total asshole, will you marry me anyway?" I think he thought that would be his ticket out of any trouble he might get into for the next 60 years. Nice try buddy. Anyway, I said yes and the rest, as they say, is history.

The next day, V. Day was a little crazy with the baptism and I had to work a half a day so we had to drive all the way back home for a few hours, then all the way back to the QC to go out with some friends. I didn't tell my family that day that Adam had proposed. I saved it for Monday the 15th. I tried to call my mom in the morning and she didn't answer. Tried again a couple hours later and reached her. I asked her where she was and she sounded tired and she breathed a heavy sigh and talked about taking a friend or neighbor to a ceramic shop because they wanted to start doing ceramics and she kinda droned on and on like it was a real hassle for her to have done that. When she finished I said, "Well. Guess what?" "What?" "Adam asked me to marry him." Oh my gosh! Then she was all giggles and excitement. She started talking a mile a minute and then she asked me where Adam was. "At home." I think she pretty much just hung up on me after that and called Adam. I have no idea what their conversation consisted of but soon after Adam called me and said, "I don't think I've ever heard your momma so excited." This May will mark our 9th wedding anniversary.

Since I had to work this weekend Adam and I didn't get to do anything particularly special for Valentine's day, but I did get to take him out to breakfast this morning sans kiddos. On Friday we went our separate ways and did a little shopping for each other and the kids. I got Adam two tickets for us to see a play about Johnny Cash, one of his idols. We go next month. I also got him some other random stuff, which he thought was his actual presents. T-shirt, body wash, shaving cream, you know, real exciting stuff. I had stuck the tickets in the card and made him open it last. I'm such a sneak!

Adam got me an Isabel Bloom, Victoria's Secret perfume, and some earrings. This afternoon we went shopping at Target and he let me get an iPod. Something I had been wanting for a while. I had a ridiculously hard time picking a colour but settled on purple. I really wanted blue, but they were out of stock. The blue iPod is a little more teal than blue and I thought it was a really cool colour. When I couldn't get blue I had it narrowed down to orange, green, purple or black. I may still go to the other Target in town and see if they have a blue one in stock and exchange it. I also got a $15 Target gift card with my purchase, so that rocks.

How did each of you spend V. Day?

We're having her over for pot roast and shots of SoCo next Friday night.

Our trip to the nursing home went rather smoothly. The entrance to the facility opened to a common room where there were about 10 or so residents. The kids somewhat shyly started passing out valentines and chocolate hearts. One of the first residents to greet us was a woman we soon found out was named Shirley. Shirley had the voice of James Earl Jones but seemed innocent enough. She came over and knelt down in front of Blake and started talking to him and praised us about how well behaved "the children" were.

"Just wait." I thought. "We've only been here 87 seconds." The kids kept passing out valentines and candy to those in the common room and Shirley followed behind talking the whole time about how much she loves "the children." Emily gave a valentine to a woman who looked to be one of the youngest in the place who was sitting on a couch, holding a baby doll. I imagined her taking it everywhere and freaking out if people touched it but soon enough Shirley was holding it and the woman seemed happy to get rid of it for a while. Maybe it was colicky.

So, after we were done in the common area we decided to mosey on to the patient floors. Shirley, carrying the baby, decided to tag along. When we exited the common area we came into sort of the "hub" of the place. There were more couches and chairs, a large atrium full of birds and three hallways to choose from filled with patient rooms. There were a few residents hanging out in the hub, however most of them were sleeping. One man was wide awake and apparently looking for some company. He kept saying, "HI! Hello. Hi there!" As we passed him Shirley very bluntly told him she wasn't talking to him. "I'm with these children. They are very precious to me." Then she apologized to us for talking that way. "I just need to be with these children right now. I haven't seen them in a while. They used to come all the time." About halfway through the first hall a nurse tried to get Shirley to leave us alone. "I know these people." She said. Adam turned to the nurse and told her it was ok, she was fine and that she was escorting us around the place. Shirley seemed satisfied with that answer and then her praise was all over Adam. "He's wonderful. He's got a big heart. How nice."

"We'll see how big you think his heart is, Shirley when he holds YOU down and tries to lick you face like a dog, turns the channel every 5.7 seconds, forces you to watch Knight Rider or when he takes the last Mt. Dew in the house. He's not so wonderful then."

We popped in and out of rooms all the while Shirley was either commenting on the temperature of the hallway or the patient room, or she was praising the children and talking about all the wonderful times she's spent with them in the past.

"Oh. It's cold in here."

"It's nice and warm out here."

"I remember the last time he came here (referring to Blake) and he came in and we just started running all over and everyone said, 'Oh, there goes Aunt Shirley running again!"

"It's chilly out here. It was warm in that room."

She told one nurse she'd known us for years. "Oh Shirley." She said. "You're always bringing your friends here." I guess we weren't the only long lost friends she's had come visit her.

When we were almost done, Shirley tried to give the baby to Emily. "Oh. She had a lot of them." Adam told her. Good thing too. I don't need no colicky baby in the house.

When we were all done and as we started to walk out the door, some alarms started going off. Shirley said, "Oh, those go off all the time when Shirley's out here." Adam tracked down a nurse assuming we were supposed to enter some code on the keypad next to the door before we opened it.

"No. It's because of her." pointing to Shirley. She wears an alarm so we know if she's trying to go outside." Then she tried getting Shirley to go back inside. "I need to stay with the children. I'm with that little boy. He is so precious to me. My heart just went out to the children."

Happy Valentines day, Shirley.

In the end...they're just a bunch of cards...but with a lot of meaning

My family has to be the luckiest family on the planet. They are the luckiest because once a month they get to be the victims of my wrath. Once a month they get to see me scream, cry, scream some more and act like a complete moron. One day last week was their lucky day.

In the shortest terms possible I had a massive dose of PMS, I freaked out at Emily because she didn't tell me that her aunt, my sister, who buys her every freaking thing in the world, had gone out and bought her Valentines when I was the one that wanted to take her shopping for them. I was really hurt, I said kinda mean things to Emily, I vented about it on another blog, I felt better about it a few hours later and apologized to Emily the next morning. Oh, and she had also bought Valentines for Blake too, but I had already beat her to the punch on those.

In my venting on the other blog someone suggested we donate the extra box of Valentines to a shelter for a child that maybe couldn't afford them otherwise. Someone else suggested handing them out at a nursing home. I fell in love with the idea and so did Adam. I filled them out Thursday night while I watched our Thursday night shows and yesterday I bought four bags of chocolate hearts to give with them. We have about 50 valentines to pass out to the residents. Adam had called a nursing home near us and they gave us a time that would be good to come up.

Most of you probably don't know that my little construction worker of a husband used to be a CNA at a nursing home before he started working in construction. He knows what they are like and how the residents light up when little kids come to visit and how a lot of them don't get a lot of visitors of their own, if any at all. We explained to the kids what it will be like and why we are doing it. We told them we just want them to understand what it means to give instead of receive, receive receive. I'll update you when it's all said and done.

It's not you, it's me...

I bought a new keyboard today while I was out shopping. The old one we had had a pretty rough space bar that you really had to hit hard, sometimes with both thumbs to get to work. Even then when it did work it would make an ugly 'CLICK' sound. I hated it. I hated it because I LOVE to type and that keyboard was not a typist's friend. The new keyboard loves me and I love it. It's quiet. The keys are slightly curved to make typing easier and the keyboard very quietly goes 'click.'

The old keyboard got messed up when something random was spilled on it. The new one has a "spill resistant design", whatever that means.

Holy Toledo! I just realized that when you click on this little calculator button, the calculator comes up on the keyboard. Now THAT is magical.

A Look Back at the Grammys By Amy WaWa...

Today I've decided to give a recap of Sunday night's Grammy awards. I didn't even know the Grammy's were on until I heard Lisa Rinna's voice coming from the living room. Speaking of, I really loved Lisa when she was on DOOL and her lips were smaller than her vag but dang old girl has gotten a bit skanky in her old age. Anyone see her at the SAG awards where we all got a bit more of Lisa Rinna than we needed??? As if the picture didn't look awkward enough in the fact that it looks like she has only one leg, now she needs to show us a bit of her lady bits? Seriously, cover that thing up.





As for the Grammy's they was a'ight. It's been a long time since I've watched any awards shows. Alison Krauss' face creeps me out. It's frozen like Nicole Kidman's from too much plastic surgery and colligen injections. Also, her corset-style dress did nothing for her except emphasize her horrible, horrible posture and it squeezed the upper part of her body out the top in a really weird way. Another thing that was weird about her and her buddy Robert Plant was that every time they were called up to the stage for an award, Bob would do all the talking while Alison stood there "frozen" with a big smile on her face, holding the Grammy. Then, as they walked off the stage she would hand the Grammy over to Bob. When they won Album of the Year Green Day, who presented them with the award, tried to hand the statue over to Alison but she declined it and told them to give it to Bob. Then she actually did say a few words, something to the effect that Robert is a PITA to work with, but she said it much nicer and you kinda had to read between the lines. Quite frankly, after hearing them sing together just before they somehow won album of the year I was even more unimpressed and more suprised they had won the albums they had won so far. Frankly I thought it sucked. There, I said it.



I won't even talk about what M.I.A. wore during her performance:



In case you missed it, there was also a giant polka-dot patch covering her ass. Sadly, this ensemble was almost better than what she showed up in:



As I watched the pre show they showed Jennifer Hudson arriving. There she was standing beside her limo and her "peeps" were fixing her make-up. I remember thinking, "Oh. They've put some kind of paper in front of her dress to protect it from any make-up mishaps. A couple minutes later she stepped over to Ryan Seacrest's booth and that's when I said, "Oooooooo. That was actually part of her dress!"





To me it looks like a giant piece of fly paper flew around in the air and stuck itself to the front of her otherwise beautiful dress.

Coldplay performed and I commented to Adam that it looked like Punky Brewster channelled Sgt. Pepper and designed their costumes and set.





I guess I should mention some highlights of the show, instead of focusing entirely on the negative. With the exception of the Plant/Krauss suck-ass song, I enjoyed all of the performances. Kid Rock did a mix of three of his songs, however the big talk of the night was the fact that Paul McCartney was going to be performing. I was anxious to hear it because Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters was going to be backing him on the drums. After all the hype Sir Paul finally made his way to the stage and simply did "I Saw Her Standing There". That was it. Paul McCartney 1, Kid Rock 3. Somehow it just didn't seem right.

We saw a lot of Justin Timberlake I think mainly because they had to fill time because of the Chris Brown/Rihanna issue and the fact that both were supposed to perform but obviously neither showed. I didn't mind. Gimme J.T. over Brown or Rihanna anyday.

Radiohead did an awesome performance of "15 Step" with the USMC Trojan drum corps. I told Adam I bet it was even better if you were there. I bet a lot of people in the audience got goosebumps, it was that good.

I've read a lot of negative things about Katy Perry's performance and outfit during "I Kissed A Girl." At the start of the performance Katy was lowered onto the stage in a giant banana and she looked a bit like Carmen Miranda, however I didn't REALLY think it was that over-the-top, especially for Katy Perry. I mean...come on...do I need to bring up M.I.A. again???



Performances I could have done without include Neil Diamond singing Sweet Caroline. Actually he doesn't even sing it. He just "talks" it and lets the audience fill in a lot. Also, Stevie Wonder with The Jonas Brothers. I felt bad for Stevie. The poor guy had no idea the trio of teenage losers he was singing with.

What did you think of the Grammys?