Whatever, Crazy Lady!

I'm pretty sure Blake and I will repeat this conversation in 40 years when I'm riddled with dimentia.

Me: We need to listen for the guys to come. They're coming to fix mama's oven.
Blake: Ok mama. Whatever you say.

Happy Birthday Jimtini!

Yesterday was my BFF Jim's birthday. I can't remember if he decided a few weeks ago to start working backwards after this birthday or just keep celebrating 29 each year. Either way, happy 29th birthday Jim. Only I, yo mama and your dad (hey Jim's Dad! Grrrrrrrowwwwllll!!!) need to know your true age today.

Jim and I were supposed to get together this coming weekend to go to the Miss Gay Iowa pageant in Cedar Rapids, however a financial deficit has cancelled the trip. I'm pretty sad and I know Jim is too because we had a FUCKING BLAST last year in Des Moines. We adopted several new phrases, like you do when you have a drunk weekend with one of your friends. The kind of phrases only the two of you understand. Some of our phrases were

"Sweet Lincoln's Mullet!"

"See you at church on Sunday!"

"How's your sister?"

"Shut up! She doesn't know any better!"

"You can't say 'Mary'."

"He was so gay, he opened his mouth and Tim Gunn fell out."

"He's gayer than a sequened clutch purse full of rainbows."

I miss Jim a ton since I haven't seen him since our NYE bash. Here are pictures from that event and yes, that was all of our alcohol for just the two of us. No wonder we're fashioning hats and braziers out of my kick-ass napkins!







I'm certain Jim and I will eventually see each other again, although it feels like never. I miss you Jimmy! Come party at my wet bar soon! Wow. That was dirty. I sincerely apologize.

oh-no-you-di-int!

There's a blog I check out every now and again. I don't have it on my blog roll because it's not updated frequently, or if it is I don't have any sort of sense of urgency to check it out. Anyway, this woman has a 3 or 4 month old baby and she's a SAHM. (That's Stay-At-Home-Mom for those of you keeping score). So on one of her recent posts she talks about how she isn't a SAHM so she can sit and eat and watch TV all day and then she goes into this huge laundry list of things she did before 9am. She did 2 loads of laundry, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, made some cookies, bath time for baby and cleaned 2 bathrooms.

I question you.

Was your baby in a coma this entire time? Just before this she talks about how her baby gets up between 5 and 6am. I'm not saying it's not possible for her to do all of this before 9am but I just think it would be hard with a new baby. I remember Emily as a baby and she was a GREAT baby. I could get about anything done because she never made a fuss but all of those things? I'm thinking it would take until at least noon. Then baby goes down for a nap and you watch Springer and eat potato chips. Come on lady! You're not fooling anyone!

Don't try to act like you're super-SAHM. We know the drill. Some of us have had babies too. There's no trophy at the end, trust me. You're not going to win some kind of blue ribbon for best wife and mommy. In fact, at the end of the day all you're really going to get is ignored by your husband when he gets home from work while he watches TV and disrespects your clean toilet by dribbling on the seat. You might get a short, "mm" as he eats your cookies and swipes all of the crumbs off of his shirt onto your freshly vacuumed floor and couch. Then, exhausted from juggling 20 things at once today and just wanting to pass out in bed you'll get a smack on the ass and that familiar poke through the jammies on your back. NOW he wants to pay attention to you.

Yeah. You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get one by me, Missy! Trust me. I got an A+ in this subject.