gack and gays

Ungh. It's been a month since I've blogged. I blame my employer. They've blocked all blogs from our computer system so I'm unable to access my blog, or any blog for that matter, from work. Work was where I used to do most of my blogging. Work was where I STARTED my blog. Now it's all blocked and I have to find time at home to do what I used to love doing. But that's that I guess.

So last Friday was the big Miss Gay Iowa pageant. Jim and I went in '08, sadly missed last year due to no funding and we almost missed it this year for the same reason. We just didn't know if we were going to be able to afford it all, especially a hotel stay for three nights. That's when I remembered that a good friend of mine lived in that area and I asked if we could stay with her for the weekend. Her exact answer, I believe was, "Duh. Yeah." and so we were psyched to be going.

We got to her house around 6pm after some horrid traffic in Iowa City and left for the pageant a couple hours later. We didn't get dinner so we stopped for some McNuggets on the way. A friend of Jim's snagged us a reserved table that wasn't being used and the drinking began. One long island ice tea turned into two, three, four then five. Getting the fifth LIIT (OMG--did anyone realize that the anagram for that is LIIT?? How appropriate.) is I think the last thing I remember. I don't remember drinking it. I only slightly remember asking Jim where the bathroom was and I remember sort of telling him I couldn't get in because apparently I was going through some wrong door. I absolutely do NOT remember walking the half a block to the car and I don't remember a whole lot after that until I woke up in the bathtub, dry heaving at 7am. From what I'm told I totally Linda Blaired in Jim's car. I sat there with this look on my face:

*sorry--will have to post this picture later. Blogger's being a dirty whore*

Then I looked at Jim and growled out a bunch of puke. I did it several more times with Jim saying to me, "Amy Warren I need you to open the door and puke outside." Of course I never opened the door and he would have to do it. Since the pageant venue and the house we were staying at were a 20 minute drive, these pit stops were taking place on the interstate. Then Jim would tell me, "Amy Warren I need you to get back in the car, the cops were coming." Of course they weren't but I believed him and I would shut the door and say, "OK, go."

So it wasn't just puking that I was doing in Jim's car. It was a whole trifecta. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I have no idea how I got down the stairs to where we were sleeping in the house but when Jim got me inside and came back in from cleaning up the big chunks he found me downstairs in the bathroom, naked except for a bra and sitting in the bathtub. I'm told I growled a, "turn on the water." to which he did. When I woke up at 7am, dry heaving, the water was warm because I had the sense to keep letting some out and put hot water in. Also Jim was in the bathroom with me (he had shut the shower curtain after the first time he came in.) I was told to wiggle my toes. I complied. I told Jim to get me a pair of shorts and a tshirt out of my suitcase. Then, something to this effect was said, "When you get out of the tub, be careful because there's a lot of water on the floor."

"OK."

"...also...your pants are here on the floor and your...panties. Be careful with those too. You had an...accident..."

"..."

Yeah. In case you didn't understand my trifecta reference earlier, when I let loose in Jim's car. I let loose. I puked. I peed. I schatt my pants. Ungh.

So I put on my shorts and t-shirt and laid down in bed under the warm covers. I got up off and on through the day but basically slept until 3 in the afternoon. At one point Jim had brought me toast but I was only able to eat a very tiny piece. At 3:00 I knew I had to eat something and take my insulin, etc. I still felt really crappy. I drove us into Iowa City and we stopped at Village Inn. I ordered a sandwich and soup but was only able to eat about half of the soup and none of the sandwich. It just didn't look appealing. My meal came with a piece of pie and I was actually able to eat that. I took my sandwich in a box and we headed to Wal-Mart for cleaning supplies. I had some cleanin' to do back at the house.

We spent a couple hours cleaning and I was starting to feel like myself again. I went inside to eat my sandwich and take my insulin and a shower. Saturday night was a dry night for me. We had fun relaying the story from the night before and I got to be the designated driver. I didn't even want to SMELL alcohol.

Sunday morning we went to a local casino for their breakfast buffet and then Jim and I did a little gambling where I won $65 and ended up about $35 ahead. That night was the finals and we took our house host with us. Again I was DD and Jim and Audrey had a good time ordering different martinis off the menu. I was perfectly content with my Diet Pepsi.

I'm sure Miss Gay Iowa 2010 won't ever be forgotten, especially after I pulled a hat trick in Jim's car. I'm also sure Jim will never let me in his car again after even one shot for fear I'll technicolor yawn on his sleeve, pants, seats, ceiling, shifter, seat belt, etc. again!